That's Quite the "Nest Egg!"

                            Those eyes! Those fixed and unblinking eyes!

Something stupid and/or wicked from Florida government that isn't (clearly) the work of Governor Skeletor? This story sounds like it's not telling us something about what Pam Bondi really said, or something, because she should have been furiously covering her ass about this. $300 Million to help mortgagees and she's hoping it will hatch into beautiful multi-colored (but NOT homosexual!) streams of popularity for her party? Or her? Or maybe she can't remember where she put it. . .

Of the $2.5 billion going to states, just over a billion dollars has been pledged for housing-related programs, while a roughly equal amount has been diverted to plug budget holes or fund programs unrelated to the foreclosure crisis. $378 million is still to be determined, and almost all of that is Florida’s. 

Florida’s funds are caught between the Attorney General, Republican Pam Bondi, and the Republican state legislature. Bondihas pledged to make the money available to homeowners; earlier this year, she called for suggestions from the public. Some state lawmakers, however, insist that it needs to go through the regular appropriations process — where it could potentially be siphoned off into other programs. And that wouldn’t happen until March, when the legislative session begins. 

“We were very happy about the Attorney General’s commitment early on that the money be used within the spirit of the settlement,” said Jaimie Ross, president of the Florida Housing Coalition, an advocacy organization. “But is it just going to sit there until the legislature starts so that we can wait to see how they want to use it? The silence is deafening.”

It's "like" a Carl Hiassen Novel!

No, actually I think it has reached the point where Carl Hiassen can no longer keep up; Governor Skeletor has taken a lot of the heat, but David Rivera's shadow candidate and Alan West's McCarthy Redux aren't exactly slouches. Carl, I'm afraid you may need a new beat, someplace wacky but not batshit crazy...

Since he was elected to Congress in 2010, Mr. Rivera, one of three Republican Cuban-American House members from Miami, has been dogged by allegations of wrongdoing while he was a state legislator. On Wednesday he was charged by the Florida Commission on Ethics with 11 counts of filing fraudulent financial disclosure forms, misusing campaign funds and concealing a $1 million consulting contract with a Miami gambling business while he served in the State House. 

Mr. Rivera, who was Senator Marco Rubio’s roommate when both were state representatives, called the charges false in a statement, but he is also confronting another series of damaging accusations. 

The Miami Herald has reported that Mr. Rivera ran a puppet candidate in the Democratic primary against his Democratic challenger, Joe Garcia, who lost to Mr. Rivera in 2010. The candidate, Justin Lamar Sternad, a part-time hotel worker with no political experience, has told the F.B.I. that Mr. Rivera was secretly behind his race, The Herald reported. The newspaper said Mr. Rivera funneled as much as $43,000 to Mr. Sternad, who paid cash this summer for expensive campaign fliers attacking Mr. Garcia. A federal grand jury is investigating.

Jacksonville Stay Classy!

When people see you having sex in your moving car -- and your partner is naked to boot -- the best solution is always to threaten one of those drivers with your car, and then to pull a gun on him and his co-workers. Because they were all in the wrong.

Stay Classy Jacksonville

Please, Please Stick to PowerPoint "Presentations"

Well, the best part of this is imagining the conversation that took place between the cop and the (mercifully) unidentified suspect vermin-infested unwashed. (There but for the grace of god. . .) "Officer may I present the area for your inspection?" "Uh. . .um. . ." "Sir, I really wasn't masturbating, and if I can show you my rash you'll see what I mean." "Uh. . .[swallows bilge] okay, sir, present your genitals. And keep your hands where I can see 'em."

Genitals 'presented' to Port St. Lucie Police

On the other hand, chalk one up to the Port St. Lucie Police for actually investigating this story instead of throwing him in the clink pending medical examination. I'm glad they have confidence in their rash diagnoses. Or that this rash was so visible and obvious, even to a cop. Personally I can't unsee this mind's-eye portrait.

Eating Cockroaches is Not Worth an $850 Python

By Zach Kouwe

The worst part about the whole thing, besides the death of the contestant, is that the only prize for winning was an $850 python. If the roaches didn't kill the guy, the python surely would have. 

There are a lot of cockroaches in Florida and clearly not enough real food. Either that, or people who failed to get on American Idol or some other contest show and can't do with hotdogs or other real food have to resort to holding cockroach-eating contests. And, in the case of the winner here, die from it. It's been a week and we still don't know whether the Miami man (who has a 7-year old daughter) died from eating the cockroaches or not. 

Archbold ate more than 60 grams of meal worms, 35 three-inch-long “super worms” and part of a bucket full of discoid roaches to win the “Midnight Madness” bug-eating competition Friday night at Ben Siegel Reptiles in Deerfield Beach, about 40 miles north of Miami, according to The Miami Herald. The take-home grand prize was a python from the reptile shop.

NCBNews.com

Beware the Machette-Wielding Beer Ninja

By Zach Kouwe

Florida residents take heed: Holding a house party in the sunshine state requires some extra precautions. Most people have to worry about the cops showing up, neighbors complaining about noise or parents coming home early from vacation. In Florida, you have to worry about machette-wielding madmen crashing your soiree and stealing all your beer.

The most chilling thing about this story is that the beer thief seems to be an "acquaintance" of the party host, who was throwing the party for his daughter. The lesson here is clear, invite all of your beer loving acquaintances to you next party or one may decide to show up with a machette. . . which as you know is a standard piece of equipment in Florida.

The 42-year-old man said he was throwing a party for his daughter on the 5200 block of McCarty Street when an acquaintance showed up and began loading beer into plastic bags. When the host tried to stop the man from riding away on his bicycle, the beer thief pulled a machete out of his waistband, according to an incident report.

naplesnews.com

Rick Scott and Phone Sex?

By Zach Kouwe

This has all the makings of a classic Florida story. Rick Scott, Florida's current governor accidentally, told the public to call a phone sex line if they were feeling symptoms or had questions about fungal meningitis. He meant to give out the number for the Florida Department of Health (The disease claimed its first Florida victim on Tuesday) 

The screw up prompted one commenter to WUSF's website, which reported the mistaken number, to ask whether this was really a simple mistake or something more nefarious, clearly implying that Gov. Scott simply regurgitated a 866 number that he knew by heart because he dials it multiple times a day. 

Florida public officials have had their fair share of sex scandals in the past, but this one, if true, would be especially hilarious simply because it's so juvenile. We expect our elected representatives to at least utilize the governor's mansion with real prostitutes, sneak around to various hotels with a mistress or at least send salacious text messages. Smiling and dialing so-to-speak just seems so half ass and unlike what a real Floridian would do. For that reason alone, it was probably an honest mistake, but a humorous one nonetheless.    

Here's a good roundup of Rick Scott controversies. 

Political Fisticuffs - Florida Style!

They certainly take their politics seriously in the Sunshine State. A day ahead of the first Presidential debates between Mitt Romney and Barack Obama, this senior citizen in Hollywood decided to slap his wife in the face and push her to the ground (allegedly) after getting into an argument "about Obama and Romney," according to the police report. Now, if only the actual candidates could get this fired up. Seem like Florida has a history of domestic violence sparked by politics - this case reminds us of this story earlier this year. 

"I fell in the grass and maybe hit my face," the woman told officers, according to the report. Officers noted in the report that she had redness and swelling on the left side of her face.  

She refused to fill out a complaint affidavit but police arrested Schwartz anyway, the report said. He was being held on $1,000 bond Wednesday, and it was unknown whether he has an attorney.

NBC Miami